Autonomous Sweet Mesa Response: the rough draft

please observe just how much boring shit i cut out of the first half of this fic b/c nobody really wants to see 1k words about why gordon mains ryu in street fighter

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This is the HLVR:AI fic nobody wanted but I’m doing it anyway

At the end of the series, it’s implied that Gordon is the only real one while everyone else is just a figment of a video game. But you know what? Who cares. That’s dumb. If Gordon got his hand for-real cut off of him, he’s just as much a part of that world as they are. So let’s operate under that assumption.

At the Chuck-E-Cheese party, Gordon doesn’t seem to be very engaged. He seems exhausted, maybe dissociative, after all the bullshit he’s just put up with. So he shows up and half-heartedly eats a slice of pizza. If nothing else, at least Benrey’s gone for good. This is the last hope he can cling to in this world. So, naturally, Benrey pops in like it’s nothing and says, “yo whatup gordon.” Gordon is so tired.

He’s saying some dumb shit about the Playstation 3 again - why is he *always* talking about the Playstation 3 - and Gordon just tunes it out and counts the ceiling tiles. Then Benrey offers to get them a Chuck-E-Cheese(tm) Chuck-E-Shake(tm), with two straws, “like, to go splitsies.” Gordon resigns himself to his fate and says, “You know what, this might as well happen.” Benrey is pleased as all shit. Gordon may have brutally murdered him, or whatever, but it’s not like that put a damper on his enormous obsessive crush. Like, it *was* kind of hot.

Gordon’s not really sure how or why this is happening, but he tiredly shares a Chuck-E-Shake(tm) with Benrey and ends up giving him his PSN username. Because who the fuck doesn’t have a PS3? Gordon had a shitty little nerd ponytail and graduated from nerd college, of course he games. Come on.

He gets home and lies in bed staring at the ceiling in a valiant attempt to sleep. It doesn’t work. The next morning, it doesn’t feel like he stared at the ceiling for 8 hours straight, but it also doesn’t feel like he slept at all. Fuck it. Game time. Gordon pours Blue Raspberry Bang Energy Drink(tm) into his coffee instead of creamer, and drinks it anyway. He doesn’t recognize whoever just added him on PSN, because his brain is worn out like an old piece of chewing gum, but it’s not like it’s hard to figure it out when he gets added to a party and there’s Benrey’s shitty voice on the other end saying, “yooo gamer feetman.” Gordon pinches the bridge of his nose.

Benrey convinces Gordon to let him fight him in [street fighter? Marvel? SFxT???], and Gordon’s like, yeah whatever but if you piss me off I’m just going to block you. His fucking bullshit powers don’t work here, and Gordon takes a moment to really appreciate that he is finally in control of a situation for the first time in, what, days? Days. And, like, sure, Benrey’s kind of irritating sometimes, but he’s actually decent at fighting games and gives Gordon a run for his money despite not knowing much of the deeper mechanics. And Benrey’s surprisingly receptive to helpful tips.

It becomes kind of a thing. At the end of the day sometimes Gordon likes to just chill out and hop into a game, and it’s nice to play against people in prolonged sets. It lets him see what makes them tick. [put in more detailed Gamer Stuff about their play styles, who they main, etc.] Benrey’s more of a Tekken guy (hence summoning Mokujin from Tekken), so Gordon’s got a lot of knowledge to impart. You could almost say they’re… friends. Gordon wouldn’t say it, personally, but *somebody* could.

Anyway all of this is just build-up for a particular session in the future, where Benrey seems distracted and he’s playing a lot shittier than usual. It’s like he’s not even using half the buttons. Gordon asks him what his deal is, and he’s like, “no dude i'm good. i'm reaaal good.”

“Are you— are you smoking right now, man? Like, weed smoking? Is that why you’re playing like fucking garbage?” Benrey just laughs at that, but it’s kind of a weird laugh. Like he’s out of breath. Then Gordon hears something strange in the background, some sort of shuffling. Like fabric. It’s weirdly rhythmic, like…

“Jesus Christ, Benrey, are you *jerking off* right now?”

The answer, obviously, since I’m the one writing this, is yes. Benrey likes listening to Gordon talk, like, a lot, and having Gordon’s attention (and words) directed entirely at him for such prolonged spans of time makes him feel some type of way. So Benrey just thinks, “well, fuck it, i'm hot for this and i bet i could still beat him one-handed.” It’s like a dare, except no one asked him to do it, no one wants him to do it, and it’s only gonna be funny to him. The biggest flaw in his plan is that he forgot that Gordon *graduated from fucking MIT*, so piecing together this particular puzzle wasn’t going to be very hard for him.

So he slows down a bit, mildly embarrassed, but not shameful enough to actually stop. “uhhh yeah duh. you want me to stop or something?”

Gordon is taken aback by this. The answer, obvious to literally everyone except Benrey, should be “fucking of course, asshole, you can’t just DO that.” The audacity surprises him. But on the flip side, the other thing that surprises him is that he’s not sure whether or not he actually wants Benrey to stop jerking off. He should, reasonably, want Benrey to stop. It’s… it’s fucked, man. It’s gross. But something in his stomach flipped when he figured out what Benrey was up to, and not in a bad way. Gordon’s morbidly curious. He’s going to, he’s definitely going to tell Benrey to knock it off and quit being a fucking creep, but the actual words that end up coming out of his mouth are, “I don’t know?”

“you don’t know???”

“I mean, I don’t know! I’m not exactly great at fielding all this shit out of left field!”

“so like… uhhh… you— you want me to keep going bro?”

“Do *not* call me ‘bro’ while you’re doing— that. Or fucking, ‘Gamer Feetman’ or whatever. Don’t think about my feet!”

“hahaha too late. bro.”

It’s not like his life can get any worse at this point, so fuck it. Gordon lets Benrey jerk off on the other end of the party, and he doesn’t turn off his PS3, and he doesn’t block him. In fact, he clears his throat (a little aggressively), and stammers out something like “what are you thinking about?” but worse and not very sexy. Clearly, the answer is Gordon. That’s not super satisfying, so he asks again, but better this time, and Benrey tells him all the stuff I mentioned above - but most specifically, his voice. He wants Gordon to keep talking.

Gordon mutters, “Jesus,” but he goes along with it. He spreads his legs a little wider in his Sad Man Gamer Armchair and presses the heel of his palm against the front of his slacks. He could get into this. He *is* into this, a little, if he’s being perfectly honest with himself. Sometimes Benrey’s voice hitches just right, and it gets his cock to jump. That’s worrying.

Benrey asks him why he’s doing this. Is he into this shit? Is he touching himself? Well, he wasn’t exactly doing it in earnest, but when Benrey tells him, “yeah, i'm thinking about your dick. it looked good dude,” he unzips himself and pulls out his dick for a close examination. That’s all it is. Just checking to see if it really does look that good. Being 75% of the way to hard is just a coincidence.

It looks… fine, he guesses? Like, he can’t complain. It’s a nice size, fits well in his hand. Curves a little to the right. No weird spots or hairs or anything. Gordon doesn’t entirely “get” why Benrey’s so into it, until Benrey starts talking about his own dick, and he realizes that he wants to see it. He wants to see Benrey’s dick. This is a novel development for him - normally he tries to think about Benrey and his dick as little as possible, but now he finds himself almost wishing he could watch. Imagination isn’t exactly his strong suit, so he summons up all his bravery and asks Benrey what he’s wearing.

“oh you know. the usual.” Except that “the usual” involves his shirt being rucked up above his stomach, his less-active hand jammed up there to play with his chest. And his pants shoved down to his knees, splayed out as wide as they’ll go under their confines. And, you know, his dick in his hand. It’s a nice dick, apparently. Foreskin and all. Gordon wonders what that’s like, and asks him if it feels any different. Fucking duh. Benrey bullies Gordon a bit, asking if he’s really dry-jacking it right now, and Gordon gets all pissy and lies and says “no” while heading the the bathroom to grab some lotion. If he’s committed to this, he’s going all in.

Gordon’s awkwardness starts to melt away. He’s really getting into this. “fuckin'— yeah, keep doing that. really digging your, uhhh, daddy vibes,” Benrey gasps into his headset, and Gordon cringes so badly he nearly loses his boner.

“Don’t— don’t ever say that again. Please.”

“what, why? that seems like it’s your thing.”

“It’s not. It’s really, really not,” he insists, although a small, ugly part of him thinks, maybe it could be? He’s learning a lot of wild new things about himself right now, might as well tack another one onto the list for later.

“what about sucking dick? i know you gotta love sucking dick. bet you’re real good at it. you wanna suck my dick, man? want me to fuck your mouth?”

Gordon swears aloud. “Jesus fucking Christ, Benrey.”

It’s just as crass and embarrassing as the first time he said it - probably more so, even, with all the embellishments - but now it doesn’t piss him off so much as it gets him stupidly hot. This can’t be happening. He’s not really about to jerk off to the thought of sucking Benrey off. “I-I don’t know if I’m gonna be as good at it as you keep saying I am. Like, I’ve never even sucked a dick before. Why do you keep saying that shit?”

“’cause it’s funny.” That’s not really a good reason, Gordon thinks, but he gets back to the actual topic of Gordon sucking dick remarkably fast. And when he thinks about it, yeah, he kind of does want to suck Benrey’s dick.

It’s the kind of thing that’s supposed to be demeaning, right, getting on your knees, but he’s not seeing it that way. Gordon’s very keenly aware that the dick-sucker in the equation holds the power. Teeth aren’t anything to mess around with. He’s seen enough of the headcrabs’ whirling little blenders of teeth to know this for certain. And getting to take control from Benrey for once? He likes the sound of that. For a long time now, it’s felt like he hasn’t been in control of, well, anything. Especially not fucking *Benrey*. So he leans into it, lets some truly heinous things come out of his mouth. He *would* let Benrey fuck his mouth. Maybe even pull his hair, if he thinks he can get away with it. Just so long as he remembers that Gordon can and will bite his goddamn dick off if he pushes too far.

That kind of threat shouldn’t be getting anyone hot, but Benrey lets out a strangled sound and that shuffling noise grows faster. “fuck yeah. knew you’d be— hhhh— good at this shit. you’re a quick learner, fuckin’ brain genius over here. lil’ MIT bitch, lil’ nerd bitch. do a fuckin’ uhhh lagrangian on my dick or whatever.”

“What? Is that supposed to be hot? Because, uh, it’s not working. Do you even know what a Lagrangian is?”

“helllll no.”

Gordon sighs through his nose but keeps stroking himself anyway. “Well, look, I’m going to suck your dick so hard you won’t be able to say stupid shit like that. Got it? If anyone’s the little bitch here, it’s gonna be you.”

There’s a sudden rush of static through his headset. “oh my god,” Benrey says quietly, then with more vigor, “yeah. yeah. you wanna make me your bitch? dope.”

“Don’t tell me you *liked* that.”

“oh, like, one hundred percent. say it again.”

“You— you really like my voice, huh,” Gordon says, mostly to himself. It’s weirdly flattering.

“uhhh yes??? why else am i jerkin’ it while you’re talking about nerd shit. fuckin’ option selects. god.”

“That was relevant! I haven’t even been talking about that for,” he glances at his watch, then feels his stomach drop, “half an hour now. How did you even talk me into this?”

“didn’t talk you into shit, my guy. this is all you. or like ninety percent you. gordon feetman’s all hot for benny-boy. i knew it. read you like a fuckin’ book.”

“Okay, for the record, I wasn’t ‘hot for you’ until *half an hour* ago. Don’t flatter yourself.”

Benrey makes a sound like he’s laughing, breathless and ugly, then pipes back with, “so, you’re not thinking about fucking me right now?”

“I— What.”

“you heard me. you wanna fuck me? i’d let you fuck me. let you rail me into the mattress, bro.”

His brain shorts out for a moment. Well, if Gordon wasn’t thinking about it before - which he wasn’t - he definitely is now. And he comes to the frightening conclusion that he might actually want to rail Benrey into the mattress. He squeezes, hard. Then he admits, “Yeah. I-I think I kind of do. Want to. I mean.”

It’s possibly the most beta way he could have phrased that, and Benrey gives him some shit for it, but he quickly shuts the fuck up when Gordon keeps talking. He doesn’t think too hard about what he’s saying, because if he does, he’s going to wither into dust and die of embarrassment. Easier to just let his dick do the talking. And right now, his dick’s thinking about pinning Benrey to the ground, face-down, and getting one of his arms pinned against his back and— and making him stop saying all this stupid shit. Fucking him stupid, until the only thing he can actually say is Gordon’s name. And maybe a few other choice words, like “oh god” or “harder”. Or “please”. He really likes the sound of that one. Man, is he really some kind of sadist now? Black Mesa changes a man.

Gordon asks him if he’s still touching himself, and gets ribbed for asking something with a clearly-obvious answer, but then he follows up by telling Benrey that he should fuck himself, too. Right now. Stretch himself open. And, for some truly bewildering reason, Benrey actually does it. A heady rush of power goes straight to Gordon’s head. Being able to tell Benrey what to do, and having him *listen*, hits harder than anything else.

No, wait, actually. What hits him the hardest is Benrey losing his grasp on words, not being able to fully get out all the insane shit he clearly wants to say. All his concentration goes into juggling the acts of fingering himself, fucking his fist, and obediently telling Gordon all about what he’s thinking when probed about it. (What he’s thinking about is Gordon, mostly, except for a moment where he blurts out that he’s kind of thinking about Quizno’s. Unbelievable.) In return, Gordon tells him exactly what he wants to do to him. That he wants to get his fingers into Benrey’s mouth. Among other places. (Am I going to put a “fingers in the ass sunday” reference here? Maybe. like 60% odds.)

It’s not like he’s ever actually fucked a guy in the ass before, or given it much technical thought. But Gordon’s not giving him any more ammo to call him a “virgin beta cuck” or whatever the fuck Benrey said. So he improvises. It can’t be that much different from what he’s used to, right? Tab A goes into slot B. There’s just, you know, another tab involved, too. He tells Benrey all those truly fucking rancid thoughts about plowing him into the ground, and, somehow, this late into the game, it still shocks him when Benrey honest-to-god moans his name. Not some dumbass nickname, just plain ass “gordon”. He white-knuckles the armrest to keep from blowing his load.

“You sound pretty fucked up over there, Benrey. You good?”


“What was that? I think you’re cutting out. Might have to dip out of this. Internet’s expensive, you know, can’t be wasting it. It’s like a water faucet. Gotta conserve. Save the planet and all that.” Why the fuck is he saying this. This is the kind of dumb shit Benrey usually says to him. Wait— is *that* why he does it? To get a rise out of him? Like, in a sexy way? He feels disoriented with this new information.

“nnnnn nnooo you fuckin’ don’t, asshole, it doesn’t even work like that. don’t— don’t be playin’ around right now. cmon.”

“Sure it does. I’m a scientist, I know this stuff.”

The long-suffering ‘ugggggghhhhhh’ Benrey lets out could power entire cities. “you’re really gonna— gonna do me like this? i thought we were buddies. amigos. compadres. you wouldn’t just let your good ol’ friend benrey get blue balls and die. you gonna kill me, bro?”

Somehow, the answer to that, possibly for the first time since Gordon has ever known him, is ‘no’. He’s not about to divulge this anytime soon, though. “You seriously think you’re gonna die if I don’t let you come right now? Man, you’re really driving a hard bargain with that one.”

There’s another groan on the other end of the line, more desperate than the last. “you’re a real sick fuck, you know that? you kiss your mother with that mouth? gross. shoulda figured you were some kinda pervert, everyone with that little fuckin’ nerd ponytail’s into some nasty shit. you tryna make me beg? gonna make me beg for it?”

Gordon’s mouth goes dry. His voice cracks a little when he says, “Yeah. Beg.”

Benrey pants hard and fast into his ear, whining like a little bitch when he actually takes the bait and *does it*. He honest-to-god begs Gordon to let him come. Part of him wants to be mean, really mean, and tell him no. Tell him to fuck off. It’s the least he deserves after the psychological minefield Benrey put him through at the end of the resonance cascade. And it would be really, really funny.

But Benrey’s got a point. He is kind of a sick fuck, actually. He wants to hear what it sounds like. Hell, he wants to be the one to do it to Benrey himself. Really just destroy him. That’s not normal, or healthy, probably. But he’s two seconds away from finishing himself, and all those “please”es and “fuck me”s are scratching an itch he didn’t know he had until, like, five minutes ago. So Gordon lets him.

And, yeah, it is so fucking good. Really basely satisfying. Black Mesa psychologists would have a field day with this, but they don’t need to know that he’s blasting ropes right now to a guy he spent most of a good week trying to kill. That’s fine. He’s normal.

For awhile, neither of them are able to say or so anything but breathe loudly into their headsets. The embarrassment’s already starting to set in, but also, he feels weirdly… good. Like he’s not about to have an existential crisis as soon as he turns off his PS3. And like he’s totally cool with the dopey, adoring tone Benrey takes with him after. That’s not weird.

Gordon does, however, completely forget that he still has to go into Black Mesa in the morning and see Benrey face to face. He walks into a computer mainframe and busts something expensive that sets off an alarm.

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